spoiler : fake it till you make it.

through the years, I’ve noticed how powerful my thoughts are. a lot of the time it feels like they are separate to me, almost as though I was not the author. the voice is mine but also not mine. a lot of the time, my thoughts are intimidating, forceful and consuming.

see intrusive, damaging and corrupt.

but I also noticed another something about myself: when I want to, as in really want to, I can convince myself of anything. good and bad. I can actually bend said thoughts. it took a lot of reflection, but I learned that I can be reasoned with, and if I can make an argument strong enough and often enough, I will accept it.

I vs I.

I also learned that I have a fairly short window to act in, before thoughts take deep roots. but even in some cases, I found a way to destabilize the most stubborn thoughts. the reality is that I am only successful maybe 1 out of 5 instances. it’s a work in progress but the self awareness has pulled me out of very dark situations.

I remember my very first semester at university. many of the seniors echoed much of the same information : take these courses together and avoid taking these other courses together. they also emphasized that organic chemistry was going to be the worst of them all. for some reason, this point settled into the deepest layers of my thoughts. as I progressed through the program, I started to develop a severe fear of the course (and the one professor who taught it). I avoided it until I couldn’t anymore. I was petrified of taking the course by this point. I was convinced that there was no way I could pass the course. none. as a top student most of my life, what would follow, would traumatize me. I failed the course 3 times. I had to have special permission to take it for the 4th and final time, and it was going to be with the SAME professor (how embarrassing). I would not graduate with my friends (sad). I had to put up a real fight to get permission to retake the course (without which I could not complete my degree – my mother would have been appalled but worse, I would be devasted – academics was the only thing I had going for me). by some grace, under the care and guidance of the head of department, I was granted permission.

it felt like I was given a golden ticket, and I was not going to mess up this time. I had to do this for me. I had to do things differently and help myself. I showed up to every class 15 mins early. I took my notes and re-wrote them every two weeks. I reframed my approach. it was not organic chemistry, it was puzzles. I like puzzles.

I’m happy to report that I did pass the course and that I did obtain my degree. but what marked me was the conversation I had with the professor, when I randomly bumped into him in the hallway post the final exam. you did great, he said. actually I had managed one of the top grades of the class. but then he asked me, what happened? why was I not able to produce this result the other 3 times? what changed? I was speechless, I said I don’t know. but in reality I knew. it was the fear I had cultivated over the semesters that shut me out. it was insurmountable. I told myself too many times I couldn’t. but this final experience, my fear of not graduating eclipsed my fear of not passing the course. that new fear transformed to become the ultimate motivator. I convinced myself that I was passing. more concretely, I gave myself a plan. I had to get all the low hanging points (like the surprise quizzes and the lab reports — I opted to redo the lab portion even though I was exempt based on the previous 3 times, because I knew that it would help me stay immersed on the topic, and it was also an opportunity to go get extra points on labs that were likely similar to the ones I had completed in the past). I had to walk into the final exam with enough points, that even if I failed the final, I would pass the course. to my surprise, I learned that I enjoyed the material. when I wasn’t afraid anymore, when I wasn’t fighting it anymore, I was able to enjoy it. I didn’t know it then, but I was manifesting my success by bending my thoughts long enough to have then turn in my favour.

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I recall I woke up one morning in my early 20s with a deep longing for healing. I had decided that faithful morning that I could no longer carry the burden of hating myself. it was too heavy and I was tired.

I chose, very intentionally, from then on to let myself be. I had to accept and own all of me. I aspired to become this future woman: poised and unbothered. calm, warm and intelligent.

it was hard for me to see what value I could offer to the world, so I started listening for clues. because I could not recognize for myself my strengths, I would take note of the compliments I would receive. I had a hard time accepting these (still do sometimes). I needed to combat this, so I decided that if ever I received a compliment, I would hard code my response to say “thank you” instead of convince myself or the giver of said compliment, reasons as to why I was not worthy. I would be so convinced that the compliment was so untrue that I would actually hear it as a hidden insult. because the thing with my mind is that, it spirals nearly instantly.

the saying, “a small leak will sink a great ship” defines this for me.

a small but piercing thought could easily take up space and grow into something detrimental. but as I forced myself to accept the kind words, eventually, I began to feel less skeptical and less awkward when receiving a compliment. I felt more at ease and more graceful in my response. it was a matter of repetition.

now I could actually hear the clues.

I started to hone skills that were highlighted to me. I started to volunteer my time at a community center, where I could use these skills and help others. I generally became more sure of myself over time. things like not feeling beautiful or attractive, took a back seat. I was seen as intelligent and well spoken. I was sought for these things, and I found these to be more rewarding. I felt seen, I felt confident in a different way. this period defined the most formative decade of my life.

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in both cases, I had hit “rock bottom” before I could scoop myself up again. but even so, I had to trick myself into believing things I didn’t believe once upon a time. I also had to give myself some sort of blueprint / plan that I could follow without it being completely out of my way or complex.

I recognized that good or bad, my thoughts were materializing in my life. so if I figured, if I could think more good, I could possible experience more good. something like that.

I am more aware of my thoughts and now when I sense a decline, I divert my mind immediately. I will usually think of something that makes me happy, like my dog, or distract my mind with some sort of repetitive activity. mostly, I’ll pull up images of my pupper and take a moment to focus on him and the sheer joy he brings me. alternatively, I start looking at things around me and taking stock of what is in my space. essentially, I deliberately make a 180 turn in my mind. I’m not sure if it’s the right or healthy thing to do, matter fact, it’s probably not good practice — but it works for me. if I can squash a nascent, deviant thought early enough, I come out winning.

it became that as a rule, if I could flip my thoughts quick enough and for long enough, I could maintain the positive wave. and as I continue to do this, I build on the wave. that’s how I trick my mind to think positive. I deliberately put in front of it things that I know for certain, make me feel happy and grateful.

on that note, gratitude is probably the single most powerful force in my life. more on that later.